If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
