No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
