fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
