6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
