i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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