She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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