ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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