I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
