If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
