I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
