i would punch a child for taco bell
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
