I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
