she woke up with a sticky ear
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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