Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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