Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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