I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
