I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
