so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
