Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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