my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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