OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
