We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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