Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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