So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
