I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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