so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
