I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
