it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
