normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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