Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
