It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
