Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Boobs speak an international language.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
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