My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
