i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
