after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
