I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
