i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
