I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
