I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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