I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
