i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
