she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
