i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My penis needs a shock collar
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
