Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
