I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
