i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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