Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
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Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
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I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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