i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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