I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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