I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
