You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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