Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
a search helicopter?!
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Randomize
