I accidentally burped into my bong.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
