genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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