My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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