I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
