final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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