just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
