better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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