Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Holy sore nipples Batman
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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