Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
