so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
