Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
